Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightening Thief (2010)

What I expected:

Rick Riordan has written a series of five wonderful and funny young adult books featuring Percy Jackson and the Olympians. The series does not rival Harry Potter in writing craft or sheer wonder, but it is a fun ride and a great way to learn about Greek mythology. My daughter and I have enjoyed these books together and we wanted the movie to be just as wonderful. However, my heart was filled with dread when I learned that Chris Columbus was the director.

What I got:

I pretty much got exactly what I expected, which is a real shame. Chris Columbus should not be allowed near our favorite books. He was in charge of the early Harry Potter movies, and even if the magic was nicely portrayed, the acting was just horrible, especially from the kids. The Lightening Thief suffers from the exact same problem. The art direction is gorgeous, the special effects are what they should be and a fine cast was assembled, but he still manages to make an almost unwatchable mess out of it all, and fall way short of what it could have been.

The story is fairly straight forward, even if they did leave out most of the funny stuff from the books: Percy Jackson is the son of Poseidon but doesn’t know it. He is growing up in NYC with his single mom and her jerk boyfriend (Joe Pantoliano, who cannot be made to suck, even by the likes of Chris Columbus.) On a school fieldtrip to the Metropolitan Museum of Art Percy finds out that he is a demi-god after a fury threatens his life. She is working for Hades (god of the Underworld) and they believe that Percy has stolen Zeus’ lightening bolt, which he has not. His best friend Grover is revealed to be a satyr protecting him and Grover whisks Percy away to camp half-blood and safety. After finding his place at the camp, Percy accepts the quest to go find the lightening bolt and to bring it back to Zeus on Mount Olympus which is now located above the Empire State Building.

The cast is very strong. It features Uma Thurman as Medusa, Pierce Brosnan as Chiron (the trainer of heroes,) Rosario Dawson as Persephone (Hades wife) and the always delightful Catherine Keener as Percy’s mom – just to name a few. Unfortunately, these talented actors are slumming it here. All of them are capable of so much more. It is as if Columbus went with the first take of every scene without any exploration whatsoever. He specializes in the significant stare and it is on full display here. Pierce Brosnan is especially afflicted, and not just because he is literally acting with a horse’s ass.

The young actors playing Percy (Logan Lerman) and his best friends Grover (Brandon T. Jackson) and Annabeth (Alexandra Daddario) are all too old to be given the child actor treatment, which is clearly what Columbus did to them. I would venture to say that they as well could do so much more.

If you take your kids like I did, they will probably enjoy themselves, even if you, as a sentient human adult, may have trouble doing the same. Restroom breaks and popcorn runs can be your friend here. Just remember: You are doing it for the kids. You may have to repeat that more than once.

Niels Hansen is the co-owner of Hansen Creative Services, a graphic design firm near Columbus, Ohio which specializes in employee communications and small business marketing.