Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightening Thief (2010)

What I expected:

Rick Riordan has written a series of five wonderful and funny young adult books featuring Percy Jackson and the Olympians. The series does not rival Harry Potter in writing craft or sheer wonder, but it is a fun ride and a great way to learn about Greek mythology. My daughter and I have enjoyed these books together and we wanted the movie to be just as wonderful. However, my heart was filled with dread when I learned that Chris Columbus was the director.

What I got:

I pretty much got exactly what I expected, which is a real shame. Chris Columbus should not be allowed near our favorite books. He was in charge of the early Harry Potter movies, and even if the magic was nicely portrayed, the acting was just horrible, especially from the kids. The Lightening Thief suffers from the exact same problem. The art direction is gorgeous, the special effects are what they should be and a fine cast was assembled, but he still manages to make an almost unwatchable mess out of it all, and fall way short of what it could have been.

The story is fairly straight forward, even if they did leave out most of the funny stuff from the books: Percy Jackson is the son of Poseidon but doesn’t know it. He is growing up in NYC with his single mom and her jerk boyfriend (Joe Pantoliano, who cannot be made to suck, even by the likes of Chris Columbus.) On a school fieldtrip to the Metropolitan Museum of Art Percy finds out that he is a demi-god after a fury threatens his life. She is working for Hades (god of the Underworld) and they believe that Percy has stolen Zeus’ lightening bolt, which he has not. His best friend Grover is revealed to be a satyr protecting him and Grover whisks Percy away to camp half-blood and safety. After finding his place at the camp, Percy accepts the quest to go find the lightening bolt and to bring it back to Zeus on Mount Olympus which is now located above the Empire State Building.

The cast is very strong. It features Uma Thurman as Medusa, Pierce Brosnan as Chiron (the trainer of heroes,) Rosario Dawson as Persephone (Hades wife) and the always delightful Catherine Keener as Percy’s mom – just to name a few. Unfortunately, these talented actors are slumming it here. All of them are capable of so much more. It is as if Columbus went with the first take of every scene without any exploration whatsoever. He specializes in the significant stare and it is on full display here. Pierce Brosnan is especially afflicted, and not just because he is literally acting with a horse’s ass.

The young actors playing Percy (Logan Lerman) and his best friends Grover (Brandon T. Jackson) and Annabeth (Alexandra Daddario) are all too old to be given the child actor treatment, which is clearly what Columbus did to them. I would venture to say that they as well could do so much more.

If you take your kids like I did, they will probably enjoy themselves, even if you, as a sentient human adult, may have trouble doing the same. Restroom breaks and popcorn runs can be your friend here. Just remember: You are doing it for the kids. You may have to repeat that more than once.

Niels Hansen is the co-owner of Hansen Creative Services, a graphic design firm near Columbus, Ohio which specializes in employee communications and small business marketing.

I Love You Beth Cooper (2009)

What I expected:

With a quirky title like I Love You Beth Cooper, I had hoped for something to rival Forgetting Sarah Marshall or Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist: A movie with plenty of laughs, foul language, some gross-outs but ultimately with a moral, if crude life lesson and a fairly happy ending.

What I got:

The first thing to know about I Love You Beth Cooper is that Chris Columbus directed it. Maybe that is all you need to know, but in case his long line of sub-par movies are not enough to deter you, here are some other reasons not to watch:

This movie just isn’t funny. It is clearly meant as a comedy. In fairness you do get a chuckle here and there, but the jokes are not new, the language and siturations not outrageous or crude enough and the juxtaposition of the ultra dork (Denis played by Paul Rust) and the most popular girl in school  (Hayden Pantierre from Heroes) is just not workable. What it is is shamelessly formulaic but without the comfort familiarity could provide.

The premise is that Denis has been in love with Beth Cooper all through high school but has not had the courage to tell her until he declares that love very emphatically as part of his valedictorian address at graduation. She is shocked but intrigued enough to agree to party with him and his dorky friend later. Needless to say she brings her hot, shallow friends along and a hot-tempered, football player boyfriend who does not like the idea and uses Denis’ face and home as punching bags.

Yes, it’s THAT predictable. And no, it does not have enough indie charm to overcome the soulless triteness. Did I mention that Beth is intrigued by Denis’ attention and that it changes her for the better? Oh, sorry. I should have warned you of the spoiler there just now. Or was that not really a spoiler, since you could have seen that coming, too?

Typically, I like to hold out some performance in an otherwise bad movie as the standout that can redeem some small aspect of it all, but in this case I don’t have any. Hayden Pantierre portrays the indulged popular girl with an almost never changing facial expression, and it is hard to tell if she is acting or even really there. Paul Rust is not really an actor, but a writer for a few late, late night shows and even there he was not asked for repeat work. Go figure.

All in all you are much better off stripping wallpaper, sanding floors or pulling weeds than wasting your precious spare time on I Love You Beth Cooper. Thanks again, Chris Columbus for another in a long line sub-par movies. You shouldn’t always stick to your strengths. No really.

Niels Hansen is the co-owner of Hansen Creative Services, a graphic design firm near Columbus, Ohio which specializes in employee communications and small business marketing.